In my years of experience as a toddler teacher (and now as a toddler mom) I’ve learned one powerful truth: connection comes before correction. Toddlers don’t learn emotional regulation because we tell them to “calm down.” They learn it because someone stayed with them, named their feelings, and showed them—over and over again—what calm looks like.
In the Montessori environment, we often talk about independence. But independence does not grow in isolation. It grows from secure, respectful relationships, where children feel seen, safe, and understood.
Emotional Regulation Starts With Us
Toddlers are not giving us a hard time, they are having a hard time. Their brains are still developing, especially the parts responsible for impulse control, emotional regulation, and communication. When emotions run high, they simply don’t yet have the tools to manage them independently.
As adults, we are their external regulators. This is where mindful parenting and Montessori philosophy beautifully align. When we pause, breathe, and respond rather than react, we are modeling the exact skills we want our children to develop.
As a teacher, I’ve seen it time and time again: the toddler who melts down isn’t looking for punishment or distraction, they are looking for connection. As a mom, I now feel this even more deeply. In those loud, overwhelming moments, my calm presence matters more than my words.
Co-Regulation: Borrowing Our Calm
Before children can self-regulate, they must experience co-regulation—the process of regulating emotions with a calm, supportive adult.
Co-regulation can look like:
Sitting nearby and offering a steady presence
Naming emotions: “You’re feeling frustrated. That’s hard.”
Offering gentle physical comfort (when welcomed)
Keeping our voice slow, soft, and steady
In Montessori classrooms, we intentionally slow ourselves down during emotional moments. We don’t rush toddlers through big feelings… we stay with them. This teaches children that emotions are safe, manageable, and temporary.
At home, co-regulation can feel harder because we’re tired, overstimulated, and emotionally invested. I know this firsthand. But even imperfect attempts at co-regulation build trust. Every time we show our child, “I’m here with you,” we strengthen their emotional foundation.
Respectful Communication Builds Emotional Literacy
One of the most impactful Montessori tools, both in the classroom and at home, is respectful, honest communication.
Toddlers deserve real language, not dismissal or distraction. When we name emotions and describe boundaries clearly, we give children words for experiences they don’t yet understand.
Respectful communication sounds like:
“I won’t let you hit. I see you’re angry.”
“You’re sad because it’s time to leave the playground.”
“I hear you want to do it yourself.”
This approach doesn’t mean permissiveness. Boundaries are still firm but they are delivered with empathy. Over time, children internalize this language and begin to use it themselves. This is how emotional intelligence is built.
From the Classroom to My Living Room
As a teacher, I supported countless toddlers through their first experiences with disappointment, frustration, and separation. I knew the theory. I trusted the process.
Becoming a parent humbled me in the best way.
Now, when my own toddler struggles, I’m reminded that emotional growth is not linear. Some days feel smooth and connected. Other days are messy and loud. And that’s okay. Montessori is not about perfection, it’s about practice.
What matters most is that we keep choosing connection. That we repair when we lose our patience. That we model self-compassion alongside self-regulation.
Why Connection Matters Long-Term
Children who feel emotionally safe are more confident, resilient, and capable. When we invest in connection early, we are not just helping toddlers through today’s tantrum, we are shaping how they:
Handle stress
Communicate needs
Build relationships
Trust themselves and others
Mindful Montessori parenting is not about controlling behavior. It’s about guiding emotional growth through relationships.
As both a Montessori Administrator and a mother, I truly believe this: when we slow down, listen deeply, and respond with respect, we give our children one of the greatest gifts, the ability to understand themselves and connect with others.